Something tells me that I am not going to sleep well tonight. Rational or not, I am nervous about the ultrasound. I really want to come out of it excited and happy, I don't want a repeat of my last ultrasound where afterwards I sat in the bathroom and cried for ten minutes. I don't want to have to do the amnio, I am hoping that the ultrasound can give us enough information that we can feel like the amnio is not necessary.
And then I feel guilty, and hypocritical. I am praying that this pregnancy is normal, that our baby is fine- with no medical, physical, or cognitive problems. But how can someone who has spent so many years working with and for people with disabilities be praying that her child is "normal"? Especially when I believe that people with disabilities are as normal as anyone else- just with different challenges to contend with. Does it make me a horrible person to not want my child to have to face those challenges? I feel like this is all making me really question my attitudes and beliefs. I want to continue to be an effective advocate for people, to help others understand that regardless of the differences we can and can't see in others we are all equal, and that ALL people deserve the same respect, rights, opportunities, responsibilities, and connections to the community. I DO believe this with every fiber of my being, but shouldn't I be less stressed about the possibility of Down's Syndrome because of it?
Sigh. I just want everything to be OK. I am not a very religious person, but I do believe that at this point, all I can do is pray and put it all into God's hands. He has not led me through anything I couldn't handle thus far. And I have seen some trying times and have had some significant losses in my adult life. I may not have been able to find the meaning in each situation, but I made it through and am sure in some respect am a stronger person because of it. Whatever the outcome, God has His reasons and sees the "bigger picture," if you will. I just have to be accepting of that.
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4 comments:
Girl, I will be praying. I will be praying for the outcome you desire, but I will also pray that IF that outcome is not His will, then he will give you strength and help you find joy in the outcome He gives you. But foremost, I'll pray for a healthy, perfect child. Rest when you can. Call me if you need to. My thoughts are with you and my prayers are going up ;)
Thinking of you today! And praying for strength for you if the news is different than what you hope!
-Claire C.
Claire, it does not make you hypocritical at all! What person doesn't hope that their child is perfectly healthy with no problems. Just because you work with those with disabilities does not mean that you shouldn't hope for a healthy child. God has a plan for you that you don't know yet. Whatever it is, He knows that you will be strong enough to handle it! I will be praying for the best outcome possible for you. Let us know when you know the results. :) ((((HUGS))))
Thinking of you Claire.....
((((((hugs))))))
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