Waiting................

Here we go again...4:28a and sleep eludes me. I suppose I should get used to it, though waking up to feed a baby makes more sense to me than getting up for no known reason, other than I can't sleep.
Yes, still pregnant. 39 weeks and 4 days. With Brian coming at 33 weeks, I had no idea that my body had the capacity to be "with child" for this long. Though considering that I am carrying a girl, and I was 2 weeks late myself, it seems fitting that my daughter would repay me the favor once bestowed upon my own mother. I am so ready to meet this baby girl, already blessed with a strong personality it seems. I am ready to have my body back, to get back in shape, to not have to worry so much about the impact that everything has on my body (or rather the baby). I know I should treasure these last moments of pregnancy, seeing as though this will likely be my last pregnancy, but I am so uncomfortable that I find myself READY.
I did not have the opportunity to have a trial of labor with Brian, everything happened so quickly, my blood pressure was so high, my kidneys were not functioning as they should that my doctor made the determination that my body would not tolerate being pregnant one more day. Being at 33 weeks, there was no way for me to attempt a vaginal birth, so I had a c-section. I really wanted to try to have this baby the "natural" way (+ drugs of course, skipping the epidural may make you a hero but as far as I have seen there are no medals or recognition given for this feat, so pass along the happy medicine please!), but the closer I get to my due date, the less its looking like this will be a possibility. My doctor does not want to induce me, as there are risks for uterine rupture following a c-section, so if I get to Monday and my little baby girl remains stubborn, then it's a c-section for me. I have to remind myself that the end result remains the same and really I just want to do what's safe for my baby and me. But I find myself REALLY nervous this time. There is something about everything happening so fast that it doesn't give you any time to THINK. Well time is all I have in the wee hours of the morn as I am chasing sheeps so I have had too much time to think. And I am really anxious about all of this....I have time to think about all of the "what ifs" and the plethura of things that go wrong. And all of this anxiety puts me right back to that nervous 9 year old who questioned the dentist about all the possible risks and pain of a procedure and who was kindly laughed at by the dental hygenist and deemed a worry wart. A worry wart I am then. But by (at the latest) 10am Monday, I will be holding a beautiful baby girl, introducing her to her proud big brother. So that makes all the discomfort, pain, and worrying totally worth it.