A girl and a bag

I am not a snob when it comes to material items. I do appreciate and like the finer things (and admittedly have a tendency to be somewhat of a wine snob...) but my need for bargains also requires that I find these things as inexpensively as possible. If I can't, I don't buy them and simply admire them from afar.
Today Steve, Brian, and I went to the Outlets. We found some great deals and I left with a cute, comfy pair of Timberland boots. My 12 year old beloved brown boots were "retired"-aka trashcan- this week at Steve's insistence due to a separating of the boot from the sole, so I felt like it was also a fair purchase. But my true love of the day still sits alone upon a shelf in the store...Steve pointed out the Coach outlet, so I thought- I'll just take a peek. And there she was, regally seated, a portrait of class and grace....a beautiful, chocolate brown suede bag with brown leather trim. I named her Sheila and I already miss her. She was expensive- more than I would ever dream about paying for a handbag, but in Coach terms-definitely a bargain. I will point her out to Steve and hope that I find her under the tree. I won't hold my breath. We're practical shoppers. But do you know how bittersweet it is to go to the Outlets and see cute clothes when you're pregnant? I was the same way when I was pregnant with Brian, I fell in love with every handbag and pair of shoes I saw. But this was different, this was a special connection.
I will never forget you Sheila. Until we meet again....

Playing the Numbers Game...

I promised a more detailed update on our baby girl, so here goes it...
Thursday proved to be a very emotionally exhausting day for Steve and me. On the one hand, we found out we are having a girl~very exciting! On the other, we were hoping to have certain questions answered and not only did we not have those questions answered, we left with more questions than we walked in with. We met with the genetic counselor first who went back over our numbers with us from the earlier tests and said that the upcoming ultrasounds (28 and 34 weeks) would be focused on the placenta as well as the baby given that they are fairly sure that the high hormone levels are indicating the strong likelihood of me developing preeclampsia again. After meeting with her, we were a little frustrated as we discovered that my doctor's office scheduled me too early for a full morphology ultrasound, so they were likely not going to be able to see many organs clear enough to say yes, we see this issue, or no, everything looks great. Even so, Steve and I went in feeling a little better thinking that we were likely looking at a reoccurence of preeclampsia. Still scary- but we have already been through it and know what to anticipate. Not to mention, the problem is with me and it resolves itself after delivery, and is NOT a problem with the baby.
Then we have the ultrasound. The baby (in utero name- Hope- I felt it was fitting) has echogenic bowels. This means that on the ultrasound they are as white as the adjacent bone. What does this mean? Well that's what they are trying to figure out right now. It is a marker for chromosomal abnormalities (most commonly Downs Syndrome) but they also see it in some infections and viruses, babies who swallowed any blood in the amniotic fluid-if the mother has some sort of bleed at some point, and Cystic Fibrosis. SO- those are the blood tests I had to do, for CF and potential infections/viruses. If I come back positive for CF, then Steve will have to get tested too (recessive gene- both of us have to carry it). I also have to go back Dec. 11th for another ultrasound for more measurements. The doctor had a pediatric cardiologist come in to look at the heart and after looking at it for nearly 10 minutes in complete, nerve-wracking SILENCE, she said everything looks OK that she can see now. But again we got the- it's still kind of early. So it's sounding like the Dec. 11th U/S will give us some more answers, and I will just pray that my blood tests come back negative. And we'll make a decision about the amnio after the next ultrasound.
So what is the numbers game that I am referring to? Well, my 1 in 58 chance of having a baby with Downs Syndrome just became a 1 in 8 chance, thanks to the ultrasound finding a marker for it. But really, when it boils down to it, this all means NOTHING. It's a risk assessment. Of course, when its YOU going through it, its all terrifying and traumatic and near impossible to think about anything but the "what if's." You know logically, the numbers are just that, numbers, but inside all you can think about is your baby. What if Hope has Down's Syndrome? How will that change our lives? How will we ensure that we bring her up with the most normal life possible? What if she has Cystic Fibrosis? How will she feel when she becomes aware that her parents brought her into this world knowing full well that she will not live beyond her 20's? What if it's one of the infections? One of the infections that can cause developmental delays, intellectual disabilities, blindness, or deafness? What if, what if?...Knowing what I now know, I would never choose to get these screens again. We are talking about unknowns right? Well the world, life, and the lives of your children are FILLED with unknowns. What if the doctor offered to tell you your risk assessment for having a heart attack before the age of 50? How about the chances that your child would have some form of childhood cancer? A risk assessment for becoming a victim of a violent act? Or how about knowing how likely you are to get hit by a car and suffer a traumatic brain injury? Would you choose to know? Of course not! We wouldn't even THINK about developing tests like this. Yet this is OK for my unborn child? Does it help for me to make myself more stressed out about this pregnancy than I already am? I firmly believe that our moods and emotions greatly affect our babies in utero. I don't want to be crying and worried the rest of my pregnancy. I want to be enjoying life, I want to be happy, I want to be THRILLED to be planning the arrival of my second child. And I feel like "the numbers" are trying to rob me of these moments.
And I feel terribly guilty. I feel like I prayed so loudly for a girl that God didn't hear me praying for her health....
But I ended my week on a positive note. After crying through the better part of my drive home from work (not recommended commuting 45 minutes on a dark, rainy, foggy night where the visibility is bad enough to begin with) I came home to an e-mail from a gracious woman from my Mom's Group who offered to watch Brian for me tonight so I could go out to a Mom's Night Game Night and get my mind off everything. I took her up on it and am so happy that I did. It was exactly what I needed. I had a great time, I laughed, I chatted, I played games (miserably though, I must add- my game playing skills are not quite up to par) and I didn't think once about the "numbers."
So this is where we are now. We try not to worry, and we hope and pray for the best. And we stay away from math...

Brian said he wanted a baby sister, so a baby sister he shall have

That's right, it's official! We are having a GIRL!!!! So thank you to everyone who was kind enough to send us their girl vibes, it paid off! It is also fairly certain that it's a girl, thanks to her modesty (or rather, lack there of) she was posed with her legs over her head which gave the sonographer a pretty good view.
Brian has said over the last year or so that he wants a baby sister. A handful of times he said brother (though that was likely due to Daddy's prompting), but for the most part it has been baby sister. When we told him he was going to have a baby sister he nodded and said, "AND a brother?" Can you tell the boy is spoiled? We are certainly going to have our hands full.
Steve is still adjusting to the fact that its a girl, given that he was fairly convinced that he doesn't "make" those. Today (before the Ultrasound) he said that it couldn't be a girl as he had gotten all the girl sperms drunk the night before so they wouldn't be able to get to the right place. Looks like one of those girl sperms stopped to ask for directions...
More details about the ultrasound, etc. to come later. I just wanted to have the right to be excited about the fact that I am having a girl. Unfortunately today came with more questions than answers. But I want THIS entry to be positive. Positively PINK! :)

(sidenote: my apologies to anyone who found the sperm joke offensive....)

Belly dancing and ladies that are not supposed to be there

Procrastination. My middle name...I am seriously putting off the cleaning and organizing of my house. I did work a little bit in the kitchen while Brian took an HOUR to eat a sandwich. He has been finicky about eating lately, and then come bed time he cries because his belly's empty. So I was mean mommy and made him sit and finish. We ended up compromising and he finished most of it and ate some fruit with no problem (he has one serious sweet tooth) and then we played with cars and blocks he got at the birthday party today. So intermittently I took care of the kitchen, such that it's almost done, but that's one room out of my entire house. Argh...

Back to the birthday party, wow that was some entertainment. Not only was it an Arabian princess party, it was one where the girls (and my boy) learned how to belly dance. Yes, yes, hold your laughter please...Brian got a crown, the girls tiaras, and they all got the hip scarves with the "jingles" on them. Brian is all boy, while all the girls shook their hips to listen to them jingle, Brian jumped up and down. He tried to follow the dance instruction but I am pleased to say his future in the NFL has not been compromised by a new found passion to become a dancer. Though Brian loves to dance, in his mind dancing consists of running in circles, jumping up and down, spinning with Mommy, and finishing the song on his knees on the floor in something that can be best described as a gymnastics dismount. Where he learned that one, not quite sure. Anyway, Brian has NO rhythm. That became abundantly clear today. And although I probably said no, and stop running about 50x, he did fairly well at the party, especially considering he does have the attention span of a 3 year old, not a 6 year old. We forgot the camera but I am hoping Michelle got some good pictures I can steal from her on Monday. Brian and his harem of girls...

Naturally, from all the excitement and the sugar high, quickly followed by the crash, of too much birthday cake, Brian fell asleep on the way home. When he woke up from his nap, the sun was already starting to go down and the house was getting dark. He woke up SCREAMING. I ran upstairs (well, as fast as I can run these days) and he was screaming about there being something scary in his room. I reassured him that he was just scared b/c it was dark and everything was OK. Well tonight, after we got ready for bed, read Dumbo (his absolute FAVORITE book-by the way, it's mine from the 70's!!), and brushed our teeth, we walked into his room so I could tuck him in. Brian pointed behind me to the corner that closet sits and said calmly "The lady was standing right there. The lady that scared me was standing over there." My heart leaped into my throat and I spun around and of course, nothing was there. But I am still really uneasy. We live in an 80 year old house. Brian has been "seeing" and "talking" to things since he was an infant. Usually they don't scare him, so they don't really scare us either. So far there has only been two occasions where he was really scared by something, but I guess we can now say three. Freaky. People have suggested we research the history of this house, but I am a little apprehensive about it. After all, we own our house and its not like we can get up and leave if we don't like what we find out. I prefer to think that after 80 years of residents in this house, there is bound to be some energy that is left behind. Whether you want to call that spirits, or ghosts, or an "echo" of people past, so long as we are not fearful, why mess with that?

Enough procrastinating. I am off to finish my projects, or rather, make somewhat of a dent in them. Tomorrow will be a lovely day. Steve is home, and all that is on the agenda is the NEW (as Brian puts it) Madagascar in the movie theater, football, and Steve's chili. Mmmmmm, I can't wait!

An Arabian Princess Party

This afternoon Brian and I are going to an Arabian Princess Birthday Party for Michelle's youngest daughter. Brian is the only boy going. This should be interesting! I informed Michelle yesterday that if Brian puts on a dress and goes for a tiara, we are leaving. She informed me that they have crowns for the boys. I remember when Christy, Brian's first sitter, used to watch him and he was the only boy. I know how he loved the tiaras and wands....Such a goof.
Yesterday after work, I went to Target to attempt to find a birthday gift for a 6 year old girl. It was then I realized that I am in big trouble if I have a girl. I had no idea what to get!!!! Girls are so much pickier than boys, there is so much more to choose from~ I was completely lost. We are about to venture back out to Toys R' Us in an attempt to find something. Wish me luck.....

A child of the world

My parents are flying across the big blue Atlantic right now (or perhaps may already be in Amsterdam?) on their way to Vienna to see the family. Whenever they head overseas it makes me nostalgic and a little sad that I am not going along. From the age of 2, we traveled out of the country (or lived out of the country) at least every 5 years, but usually only 2-3. And when we were living overseas, we REALLY traveled everywhere. We only lived in Germany for 2 years but made it to 8 other countries during that time. 9 if you include the former East Germany. Ha ha-Mom & Dad, I am including that whirlwind 24 hours we spent in London after the red-eye flight. I am still amazed that Patrick and I have any recollection of that day. But I do! I remember Madame Tussaud's, the Tower of London, falling asleep on the shoulder of some random man on the train. Maybe Brian inherited his elephant of a memory from me?... Now, it has been 10 years since I have stepped foot outside of the US. 10 freaking years. How did this happen? Traveling was such a big part of who I am, and sculpted me into the person I am today, how is it that this is no longer apart of my life? I can certainly pinpoint some reasons. Money (or rather lack there of...). Strange development of a fear of flying. Time. Money. Babies. Responsibilities. Money. But how do you let something go that is such a core of your being? It has been 12 years since I have seen my family in Austria. They have never met Steve or Brian. Family- MY family.
I remember how hard it was adjusting back to this country when I graduated from high school and returned for college, after spending the better part of 6 years overseas. Some days I still feel like I am readjusting, strange after all these years. I just grew so accustomed to being around people that were not like me, did not look like me, did not sound like me, and did not travel the same road as me to get to where they were. In Hamburg, I was the honorary Swede. In Manila, I enjoyed friendships with Americans, Filipinos, Germans, Canadians, Palestinians, Israelis, French, British, and Dutch. I treasure these friendships that I made, how much I learned from them- about other cultures, religions, ways of life- and as a result, how much I learned about myself. These experiences humbled me. I didn't walk around like I was better than everyone else because I was an American. Don't get me wrong- I am proud to be an American, just as proud as I am of my Austrian heritage. But I don't believe it makes me superior or gives me any right to be arrogant or self-righteous. Unfortunately, qualities that many people abroad feel that Americans possess. And having seen many Americans abroad as well as here at home, I would agree that many give off that air. As difficult as it was coming back to my home country (interestingly enough, a sentiment shared by many expats- from all over the world- when returning to their home countries) I would never trade these experiences...even though some days I still feel like I am missing out, stuck in Hampton Roads, Virginia. I have to laugh at the saying, "home is where the heart is." I grew up feeling like my motto was "home is anywhere but where I am right now." Now I know that it's where the people you love are. It's a state of mind. It's located in your soul. I am a child of the world. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
So thank you Mom and Dad. Thank you for allowing me the opportunities that I had growing up. Thank you for exposing me to other cultures and countries and for instilling in me tolerance and understanding. I already miss you both and can't believe I can't talk to you everyday as usual for the next 3 weeks. Thank goodness for Vonage....you'll wish you never gave me that number! Below are some pictures from Italy, the only ones from childhood on my computer...
(By the way, this is what sparked this topic, when I was looking through pictures and found these...)

Ooh the pain........

I am so sick of these headaches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tylenol does NOTHING for migraines and really nasty tension/stress headaches, and that's all I am allowed to take right now. Every inch of my head hurts and now its travelling down my neck. If I could go just one day without a headache, it would feel like a week's vacation to Greece. It would be wonderful. That's how rough these are. The clock ticking sounds like someone banging on the door, Brian making high pitch noises sounds like a banshee screaming directly into my ear, and the sound of someone breathing normally sounds like they just finished a marathon. IT IS PAINFUL. Blah.

On a happier note, it's Thursday. One more day until the weekend :) We have a birthday party to go to Saturday morning, and otherwise, no other commitments. Which is like sweet music to my ears. I think I am going to work on doing some organizing on Saturday. I know, exciting stuff, but we need the room for baby and I am determined not to be scrambling like a madwoman trying to get my house under control a week before we put it on the market. And that house is going on the market in 2009. I don't care what the market looks like, we have got to get out of P-town and get Brian into a decent school district.
I think we are going to take Brian to see the new Madagascar movie on Sunday. He is very excited about it coming out, he has been seeing the previews and his face lights up each time. And this is one I know he will sit through the WHOLE thing in the theater. We also actually enjoyed the first one (well, at least the first 50 times we saw it) so it won't be as painful as having to sit through Happy Feet.

And there are my ramblings....

My favorite little Republican

Noelle, you are my favorite little Republican. I forgive you for being a Conservative. ;) And I forgive you for swaying the California election in the way you did. You will regret it years from now when you come knocking for that civil union...(hahahahaha)

I love talking politics with you girl. Even though we differ in our politics, its amazing how much we can see eye to eye on, although it may primarily be thanks to our sense of humor. You are my favorite person to debate with and I love that after all these years (20!!!), I still call you to talk politics. And for this, I dedicate this blog post to you.

Thanks for our talk tonight, you always make me smile :) oh and laugh....
Miss you!

My thoughts on this historic day

Tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.
-Barack Obama, President Elect

I voted for Hilary in the primaries. I was disappointed that Obama did not choose to unify the Democratic party by taking her on as his running mate. I have only partially forgiven him for that. But, I put this aside, and hesitantly passed my support on to Obama. I hope that over the next 4 years I will become increasingly confident with this decision.

That being said, there are a number of reasons I am a happy gal today and immensely proud of our nation and its citizens.

• I am proud that we are another step closer to seeing people without putting an emphasis on the exterior. We have elected our first African-American president. I know I will continue to teach my child (and soon, children!) to see people as people, to look beyond race, age, gender, disability, ethnicity, religion, and sexual orientation- all those things that separate and divide us when we focus on them and discriminate based on them- and see and appreciate people for who they are inside and their strength of character. I hope that our nation looking beyond the color of someones skin means that there are many more like me, ready to make the commitment to raise their children, our nation's children, in this spirit as well. I hope that we are on our way to teaching our children to appreciate and celebrate our differences, and see them as a strength, not a weakness, of mankind.
  
• I am proud that a Biracial man, raised by his single mother and his grandparents, who was not handed things on a silver platter, who persevered and triumphed, has become President of our great country. Who would have thought this would happen 50, even 20 years ago? We have come a long way and should be proud.
• I am proud that for the first time ever, everyone I voted for won their election! First time! And the first time I have voted for the winning presidential candidate as well! So selfish of me, but exciting. I was getting ready to start voting for the "opposing team"....
• I am proud that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. can smile upon us knowing that his Dream is coming true.
• I am ecstatic that Mark Warner got the Senate seat. A man well-liked and respected by not only his own party but also by many Republicans, shown in his receiving many of their endorsements. I am excited to watch his political career over the next few years. I hope that he is the future of our party, of politics. We need to represent the majority of Americans, the people in the middle. The people that can get things done in Washington because they are capable of stepping over party lines.
  
• I am extremely proud to be a Democrat today. Over the last 8 years, and typically in the State of Virginia, people have treated the word "Democrat" as if it were a bad word, as if we were less patriotic, as if we should feel ashamed of our politics and what we feel is of importance in our lives, in our communities, in our nation. Stand up and be proud fellow Democrats. Today is our day to celebrate and to be proud. Now lets hold our elected politicians to their promises and ensure that we can continue to be proud of our party.

"Unyielding Hope." That's a great way to describe what led me to cast my vote for Obama. Hope. Ideals. Opportunity...for ALL, not just the privileged. I will continue to hope that Obama is able to not only hold fast to his ideals, but to work towards them, to see and recognize the ideals and hopes of ALL Americans and to fight for them, for us, for our great nation. There are no promises or guarantees, only hope.