Just a quick one to say everything went great at the ultrasound yesterday! She is developing completely normally and is actually a little ahead of her estimated gestational age, so that is great news!! They did not find any red flags or any other markers for Down's Syndrome so we did not opt to do the amnio. First time we have left an ultrasound this pregnancy not feeling like we had the weight of the world on our shoulders, we actually felt good and optimistic and ready for anything! Our risk assessment has not changed, but we feel very confident now that all is well, and if there are some challenges, so be it.
We got the cutest 3D ultrasound pictures as well, so tomorrow I will dust off our scanner and put them up here. Our baby girl is such a diva already...
Thanks so much for all the well wishes, thoughts, prayers, phone calls, listening ears through all of this, and encouraging comments~ it feels nice to be supported!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Speaking of sleeping...
Something tells me that I am not going to sleep well tonight. Rational or not, I am nervous about the ultrasound. I really want to come out of it excited and happy, I don't want a repeat of my last ultrasound where afterwards I sat in the bathroom and cried for ten minutes. I don't want to have to do the amnio, I am hoping that the ultrasound can give us enough information that we can feel like the amnio is not necessary.
And then I feel guilty, and hypocritical. I am praying that this pregnancy is normal, that our baby is fine- with no medical, physical, or cognitive problems. But how can someone who has spent so many years working with and for people with disabilities be praying that her child is "normal"? Especially when I believe that people with disabilities are as normal as anyone else- just with different challenges to contend with. Does it make me a horrible person to not want my child to have to face those challenges? I feel like this is all making me really question my attitudes and beliefs. I want to continue to be an effective advocate for people, to help others understand that regardless of the differences we can and can't see in others we are all equal, and that ALL people deserve the same respect, rights, opportunities, responsibilities, and connections to the community. I DO believe this with every fiber of my being, but shouldn't I be less stressed about the possibility of Down's Syndrome because of it?
Sigh. I just want everything to be OK. I am not a very religious person, but I do believe that at this point, all I can do is pray and put it all into God's hands. He has not led me through anything I couldn't handle thus far. And I have seen some trying times and have had some significant losses in my adult life. I may not have been able to find the meaning in each situation, but I made it through and am sure in some respect am a stronger person because of it. Whatever the outcome, God has His reasons and sees the "bigger picture," if you will. I just have to be accepting of that.
And then I feel guilty, and hypocritical. I am praying that this pregnancy is normal, that our baby is fine- with no medical, physical, or cognitive problems. But how can someone who has spent so many years working with and for people with disabilities be praying that her child is "normal"? Especially when I believe that people with disabilities are as normal as anyone else- just with different challenges to contend with. Does it make me a horrible person to not want my child to have to face those challenges? I feel like this is all making me really question my attitudes and beliefs. I want to continue to be an effective advocate for people, to help others understand that regardless of the differences we can and can't see in others we are all equal, and that ALL people deserve the same respect, rights, opportunities, responsibilities, and connections to the community. I DO believe this with every fiber of my being, but shouldn't I be less stressed about the possibility of Down's Syndrome because of it?
Sigh. I just want everything to be OK. I am not a very religious person, but I do believe that at this point, all I can do is pray and put it all into God's hands. He has not led me through anything I couldn't handle thus far. And I have seen some trying times and have had some significant losses in my adult life. I may not have been able to find the meaning in each situation, but I made it through and am sure in some respect am a stronger person because of it. Whatever the outcome, God has His reasons and sees the "bigger picture," if you will. I just have to be accepting of that.
Bedtime Woes
All of a sudden, bedtime has become a source of drama for us. This has been coming on slowly and now here we are. In the land of tears, snot, excuses and exaggerations to prolong bedtime, and drama, drama, drama. Brian went to bed an hour and 15 minutes ago and is still awake up there. He has been re-tucked in about 10 times, has told me that he needs to go potty twice (and to his credit, he did pee both times), I have laid down with him twice, he and the baby had a conversation, and he has come up with about 5 excuses as to why he can not go to bed right now, or why I need to come up immediately. Here are some of things we hear him calling to us over the monitor...
And now he is FINALLY asleep. At 1opm. From an 8:30pm bedtime. Sigh.
- "I need help" (me: what do you need help with?) "well....come here mommy I have to show you" (me: no, I am calling your bluff)
- "My feet are untucked. Put them back under the blanket."
- "The wind is too loud, it's scaring me." (OK when the wind is blowing, not OK on a night like tonight- one that is completely still)
- "I miss you Mommy, I need hugs"
- "I don't want my doggie in my bed (stuffed doggie), come get him out"
- "I have to go potty" (ironically we are perfectly potty-trained at bedtime)
- "My belly's empty, I'm hungry, I need to eat something"
- "I'm so sick, I need medicine"
And now he is FINALLY asleep. At 1opm. From an 8:30pm bedtime. Sigh.
Monday, December 8, 2008
A Cracked Bumper, a shaken Momma, and one crappy way to start the week
Today I rear-ended a van. Really hard. Not on purpose of course, I was behind the van at a yield sign about a mile from work and I watched the van start to pull into traffic and I looked to the left to make sure I was clear to go and stepped on the gas pedal only to slam into the van that decided to hesitate and not pull into traffic as I had assumed. (Holy Run-on sentence...) But it's not just any van. It's a van driven by an 80 year old man (totally not exaggerating here) who is on his way to visit his very sick wife in the hospital. So there we are on the side of the road, the older man on his way to the hospital to see his sick wife who is "not doing well", the pregnant, shaken, guilty momma (that would be me), a van with no damage, and my cracked bumper. This sweet old man insisted he was fine, the van was fine, and there was no need to call the police. I insisted that we at least exchange names and numbers, so we did that much. After I got to work I called my doctor's to inquire about whether or not I needed to be seen- I was told that I needed to go to Labor and Delivery immediately. Fortunately, my office is across the street from a hospital (and yes, this would be the same hospital that the wife of the gentleman I hit is in) so I went over, they had me under observation for about 2 hours and released me. My back and my neck are sore and I have a little bit of soreness/tenderness through my abdomen (I think from the seatbelt), but otherwise I am fine. Then after lunch, all of a sudden I start getting the visuals from a migraine and by 2pm I have a full blown migraine. I can't wait to see what the rest of the week has in store for me. Hopefully this Monday morning is NOT indicative of the rest of the week ahead of me. Especially since my ultrasound for more measurements is on Thursday. I really want good news during that appointment.
Speaking of our baby, I have gotten some good news~ I am negative for the seven most common mutations on the gene causing Cystic Fibrosis. Woo hoo!!! I did test positive for one of the TORCH infections, but fortunately what matters is WHEN your exposure was. After further tests, they determined that it was not a recent infection and that I could have been exposed to it up to a few years ago, hence having no affect on our baby. This was a BIG relief as this particular virus can cause severe mental retardation, brain defects, blindness, and deafness. Of course, it's not enough for our bubbly little genetic counselor to just give us good news and call it a day, she has to remind me that explaining the echogenic bowels does bring us back to my (and I quote) "high risk for Down's Syndrome." So we'll see what the ultrasound tells us on Thursday. We go back and forth every week about the amnio. One week we are totally set on doing it, the next we say no, no, we don't need to do it. I guess it will be a surprise....
At least I have my crazy little boy to make me laugh....
Speaking of our baby, I have gotten some good news~ I am negative for the seven most common mutations on the gene causing Cystic Fibrosis. Woo hoo!!! I did test positive for one of the TORCH infections, but fortunately what matters is WHEN your exposure was. After further tests, they determined that it was not a recent infection and that I could have been exposed to it up to a few years ago, hence having no affect on our baby. This was a BIG relief as this particular virus can cause severe mental retardation, brain defects, blindness, and deafness. Of course, it's not enough for our bubbly little genetic counselor to just give us good news and call it a day, she has to remind me that explaining the echogenic bowels does bring us back to my (and I quote) "high risk for Down's Syndrome." So we'll see what the ultrasound tells us on Thursday. We go back and forth every week about the amnio. One week we are totally set on doing it, the next we say no, no, we don't need to do it. I guess it will be a surprise....
At least I have my crazy little boy to make me laugh....
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I am behind on updating my blog, I know. But I do have Thanksgiving, visitors, a sick toddler (who has in turn passed it on to his Mommy and Daddy), and a Black Friday adventure to blame it on, so I only feel a limited amount of guilty.
The Yarbrough family is busy battling a cold virus and being preggers I am fairly certain that there is nothing I can take but lozenges and lots of tea and honey. An older gentleman at my Civitan meeting this week recommended a Hot Toddie (tea, honey, lemon, and bourbon) and I said my doctor would probably agree with all those ingredients but the bourbon, to which he replied "oh the baby will be fine with a little bourbon, it's more important that you get rid of that cold." Gotta love old men. Two days later and no better, I am half tempted to take his advice, I mean age brings wisdom...so he must be right.
Feeling horrible as I arrived home from work tonight, Brian came running to the car to meet me. Which was cute in itself, but then he gives me a huge hug (Brian gives the best hugs ever, though he likes to hug your neck which starts to feel a little like a chokehold) and says "I love you Mommy, you're beautiful." Who needs cold medicine or hot toddies when you have the sweetest 3 year old ever, who repeats each word verbatim as you ask him too, and a wonderful, perceptive husband that knew his influencing his son to say this would make his wife's night. Sigh. Happiness is really very easy to find in life...I may even let Brian feed Brody (our dog) alphabet soup like he's been asking to. Brian is convinced that he just needs the letters in alphabet soup to be able to speak. This is the premise for one of his shows on PBS Kids, and if it can make Martha the dog speak, it must work for Brody. I guess I should indulge his youthful inquiry and let him try. Our baby Hope has started moving around a lot this week and really making her presence known...can life get any better? Only one thing could do it- I would be able to breathe through my nose again.
The Yarbrough family is busy battling a cold virus and being preggers I am fairly certain that there is nothing I can take but lozenges and lots of tea and honey. An older gentleman at my Civitan meeting this week recommended a Hot Toddie (tea, honey, lemon, and bourbon) and I said my doctor would probably agree with all those ingredients but the bourbon, to which he replied "oh the baby will be fine with a little bourbon, it's more important that you get rid of that cold." Gotta love old men. Two days later and no better, I am half tempted to take his advice, I mean age brings wisdom...so he must be right.
Feeling horrible as I arrived home from work tonight, Brian came running to the car to meet me. Which was cute in itself, but then he gives me a huge hug (Brian gives the best hugs ever, though he likes to hug your neck which starts to feel a little like a chokehold) and says "I love you Mommy, you're beautiful." Who needs cold medicine or hot toddies when you have the sweetest 3 year old ever, who repeats each word verbatim as you ask him too, and a wonderful, perceptive husband that knew his influencing his son to say this would make his wife's night. Sigh. Happiness is really very easy to find in life...I may even let Brian feed Brody (our dog) alphabet soup like he's been asking to. Brian is convinced that he just needs the letters in alphabet soup to be able to speak. This is the premise for one of his shows on PBS Kids, and if it can make Martha the dog speak, it must work for Brody. I guess I should indulge his youthful inquiry and let him try. Our baby Hope has started moving around a lot this week and really making her presence known...can life get any better? Only one thing could do it- I would be able to breathe through my nose again.
Here are some pictures to enjoy.....
What's up with Santa? Some of my favorite Facebook comments on this picture:
- Santa could use some holiday cheer
- Maybe Santa's upset because the elves pee-pee'd in his Lucky Charms
- All Santa wants for Christmas is Prozac, Prozac, Prozac
Me at 20 weeks. The girls are still bigger than the belly....
Brian and his Brody. I will post a video of Brody post-Alphabet soup
experiment, pending its success....
What's up with Santa? Some of my favorite Facebook comments on this picture:- Santa could use some holiday cheer
- Maybe Santa's upset because the elves pee-pee'd in his Lucky Charms
- All Santa wants for Christmas is Prozac, Prozac, Prozac
Me at 20 weeks. The girls are still bigger than the belly....
Brian and his Brody. I will post a video of Brody post-Alphabet soupexperiment, pending its success....
Sunday, November 16, 2008
A girl and a bag
I am not a snob when it comes to material items. I do appreciate and like the finer things (and admittedly have a tendency to be somewhat of a wine snob...) but my need for bargains also requires that I find these things as inexpensively as possible. If I can't, I don't buy them and simply admire them from afar.
Today Steve, Brian, and I went to the Outlets. We found some great deals and I left with a cute, comfy pair of Timberland boots. My 12 year old beloved brown boots were "retired"-aka trashcan- this week at Steve's insistence due to a separating of the boot from the sole, so I felt like it was also a fair purchase. But my true love of the day still sits alone upon a shelf in the store...Steve pointed out the Coach outlet, so I thought- I'll just take a peek. And there she was, regally seated, a portrait of class and grace....a beautiful, chocolate brown suede bag with brown leather trim. I named her Sheila and I already miss her. She was expensive- more than I would ever dream about paying for a handbag, but in Coach terms-definitely a bargain. I will point her out to Steve and hope that I find her under the tree. I won't hold my breath. We're practical shoppers. But do you know how bittersweet it is to go to the Outlets and see cute clothes when you're pregnant? I was the same way when I was pregnant with Brian, I fell in love with every handbag and pair of shoes I saw. But this was different, this was a special connection.
I will never forget you Sheila. Until we meet again....
Today Steve, Brian, and I went to the Outlets. We found some great deals and I left with a cute, comfy pair of Timberland boots. My 12 year old beloved brown boots were "retired"-aka trashcan- this week at Steve's insistence due to a separating of the boot from the sole, so I felt like it was also a fair purchase. But my true love of the day still sits alone upon a shelf in the store...Steve pointed out the Coach outlet, so I thought- I'll just take a peek. And there she was, regally seated, a portrait of class and grace....a beautiful, chocolate brown suede bag with brown leather trim. I named her Sheila and I already miss her. She was expensive- more than I would ever dream about paying for a handbag, but in Coach terms-definitely a bargain. I will point her out to Steve and hope that I find her under the tree. I won't hold my breath. We're practical shoppers. But do you know how bittersweet it is to go to the Outlets and see cute clothes when you're pregnant? I was the same way when I was pregnant with Brian, I fell in love with every handbag and pair of shoes I saw. But this was different, this was a special connection.
I will never forget you Sheila. Until we meet again....
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Playing the Numbers Game...
I promised a more detailed update on our baby girl, so here goes it...
Thursday proved to be a very emotionally exhausting day for Steve and me. On the one hand, we found out we are having a girl~very exciting! On the other, we were hoping to have certain questions answered and not only did we not have those questions answered, we left with more questions than we walked in with. We met with the genetic counselor first who went back over our numbers with us from the earlier tests and said that the upcoming ultrasounds (28 and 34 weeks) would be focused on the placenta as well as the baby given that they are fairly sure that the high hormone levels are indicating the strong likelihood of me developing preeclampsia again. After meeting with her, we were a little frustrated as we discovered that my doctor's office scheduled me too early for a full morphology ultrasound, so they were likely not going to be able to see many organs clear enough to say yes, we see this issue, or no, everything looks great. Even so, Steve and I went in feeling a little better thinking that we were likely looking at a reoccurence of preeclampsia. Still scary- but we have already been through it and know what to anticipate. Not to mention, the problem is with me and it resolves itself after delivery, and is NOT a problem with the baby.
Then we have the ultrasound. The baby (in utero name- Hope- I felt it was fitting) has echogenic bowels. This means that on the ultrasound they are as white as the adjacent bone. What does this mean? Well that's what they are trying to figure out right now. It is a marker for chromosomal abnormalities (most commonly Downs Syndrome) but they also see it in some infections and viruses, babies who swallowed any blood in the amniotic fluid-if the mother has some sort of bleed at some point, and Cystic Fibrosis. SO- those are the blood tests I had to do, for CF and potential infections/viruses. If I come back positive for CF, then Steve will have to get tested too (recessive gene- both of us have to carry it). I also have to go back Dec. 11th for another ultrasound for more measurements. The doctor had a pediatric cardiologist come in to look at the heart and after looking at it for nearly 10 minutes in complete, nerve-wracking SILENCE, she said everything looks OK that she can see now. But again we got the- it's still kind of early. So it's sounding like the Dec. 11th U/S will give us some more answers, and I will just pray that my blood tests come back negative. And we'll make a decision about the amnio after the next ultrasound.
So what is the numbers game that I am referring to? Well, my 1 in 58 chance of having a baby with Downs Syndrome just became a 1 in 8 chance, thanks to the ultrasound finding a marker for it. But really, when it boils down to it, this all means NOTHING. It's a risk assessment. Of course, when its YOU going through it, its all terrifying and traumatic and near impossible to think about anything but the "what if's." You know logically, the numbers are just that, numbers, but inside all you can think about is your baby. What if Hope has Down's Syndrome? How will that change our lives? How will we ensure that we bring her up with the most normal life possible? What if she has Cystic Fibrosis? How will she feel when she becomes aware that her parents brought her into this world knowing full well that she will not live beyond her 20's? What if it's one of the infections? One of the infections that can cause developmental delays, intellectual disabilities, blindness, or deafness? What if, what if?...Knowing what I now know, I would never choose to get these screens again. We are talking about unknowns right? Well the world, life, and the lives of your children are FILLED with unknowns. What if the doctor offered to tell you your risk assessment for having a heart attack before the age of 50? How about the chances that your child would have some form of childhood cancer? A risk assessment for becoming a victim of a violent act? Or how about knowing how likely you are to get hit by a car and suffer a traumatic brain injury? Would you choose to know? Of course not! We wouldn't even THINK about developing tests like this. Yet this is OK for my unborn child? Does it help for me to make myself more stressed out about this pregnancy than I already am? I firmly believe that our moods and emotions greatly affect our babies in utero. I don't want to be crying and worried the rest of my pregnancy. I want to be enjoying life, I want to be happy, I want to be THRILLED to be planning the arrival of my second child. And I feel like "the numbers" are trying to rob me of these moments.
And I feel terribly guilty. I feel like I prayed so loudly for a girl that God didn't hear me praying for her health....
But I ended my week on a positive note. After crying through the better part of my drive home from work (not recommended commuting 45 minutes on a dark, rainy, foggy night where the visibility is bad enough to begin with) I came home to an e-mail from a gracious woman from my Mom's Group who offered to watch Brian for me tonight so I could go out to a Mom's Night Game Night and get my mind off everything. I took her up on it and am so happy that I did. It was exactly what I needed. I had a great time, I laughed, I chatted, I played games (miserably though, I must add- my game playing skills are not quite up to par) and I didn't think once about the "numbers."
So this is where we are now. We try not to worry, and we hope and pray for the best. And we stay away from math...
Thursday proved to be a very emotionally exhausting day for Steve and me. On the one hand, we found out we are having a girl~very exciting! On the other, we were hoping to have certain questions answered and not only did we not have those questions answered, we left with more questions than we walked in with. We met with the genetic counselor first who went back over our numbers with us from the earlier tests and said that the upcoming ultrasounds (28 and 34 weeks) would be focused on the placenta as well as the baby given that they are fairly sure that the high hormone levels are indicating the strong likelihood of me developing preeclampsia again. After meeting with her, we were a little frustrated as we discovered that my doctor's office scheduled me too early for a full morphology ultrasound, so they were likely not going to be able to see many organs clear enough to say yes, we see this issue, or no, everything looks great. Even so, Steve and I went in feeling a little better thinking that we were likely looking at a reoccurence of preeclampsia. Still scary- but we have already been through it and know what to anticipate. Not to mention, the problem is with me and it resolves itself after delivery, and is NOT a problem with the baby.
Then we have the ultrasound. The baby (in utero name- Hope- I felt it was fitting) has echogenic bowels. This means that on the ultrasound they are as white as the adjacent bone. What does this mean? Well that's what they are trying to figure out right now. It is a marker for chromosomal abnormalities (most commonly Downs Syndrome) but they also see it in some infections and viruses, babies who swallowed any blood in the amniotic fluid-if the mother has some sort of bleed at some point, and Cystic Fibrosis. SO- those are the blood tests I had to do, for CF and potential infections/viruses. If I come back positive for CF, then Steve will have to get tested too (recessive gene- both of us have to carry it). I also have to go back Dec. 11th for another ultrasound for more measurements. The doctor had a pediatric cardiologist come in to look at the heart and after looking at it for nearly 10 minutes in complete, nerve-wracking SILENCE, she said everything looks OK that she can see now. But again we got the- it's still kind of early. So it's sounding like the Dec. 11th U/S will give us some more answers, and I will just pray that my blood tests come back negative. And we'll make a decision about the amnio after the next ultrasound.
So what is the numbers game that I am referring to? Well, my 1 in 58 chance of having a baby with Downs Syndrome just became a 1 in 8 chance, thanks to the ultrasound finding a marker for it. But really, when it boils down to it, this all means NOTHING. It's a risk assessment. Of course, when its YOU going through it, its all terrifying and traumatic and near impossible to think about anything but the "what if's." You know logically, the numbers are just that, numbers, but inside all you can think about is your baby. What if Hope has Down's Syndrome? How will that change our lives? How will we ensure that we bring her up with the most normal life possible? What if she has Cystic Fibrosis? How will she feel when she becomes aware that her parents brought her into this world knowing full well that she will not live beyond her 20's? What if it's one of the infections? One of the infections that can cause developmental delays, intellectual disabilities, blindness, or deafness? What if, what if?...Knowing what I now know, I would never choose to get these screens again. We are talking about unknowns right? Well the world, life, and the lives of your children are FILLED with unknowns. What if the doctor offered to tell you your risk assessment for having a heart attack before the age of 50? How about the chances that your child would have some form of childhood cancer? A risk assessment for becoming a victim of a violent act? Or how about knowing how likely you are to get hit by a car and suffer a traumatic brain injury? Would you choose to know? Of course not! We wouldn't even THINK about developing tests like this. Yet this is OK for my unborn child? Does it help for me to make myself more stressed out about this pregnancy than I already am? I firmly believe that our moods and emotions greatly affect our babies in utero. I don't want to be crying and worried the rest of my pregnancy. I want to be enjoying life, I want to be happy, I want to be THRILLED to be planning the arrival of my second child. And I feel like "the numbers" are trying to rob me of these moments.
And I feel terribly guilty. I feel like I prayed so loudly for a girl that God didn't hear me praying for her health....
But I ended my week on a positive note. After crying through the better part of my drive home from work (not recommended commuting 45 minutes on a dark, rainy, foggy night where the visibility is bad enough to begin with) I came home to an e-mail from a gracious woman from my Mom's Group who offered to watch Brian for me tonight so I could go out to a Mom's Night Game Night and get my mind off everything. I took her up on it and am so happy that I did. It was exactly what I needed. I had a great time, I laughed, I chatted, I played games (miserably though, I must add- my game playing skills are not quite up to par) and I didn't think once about the "numbers."
So this is where we are now. We try not to worry, and we hope and pray for the best. And we stay away from math...
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